“Jesus didn’t eat tofu dogs,” but he probably ate hummus

In my Sex, Gender, and Discipleship class with Dr. Hall, we began discussing this article: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/02/us/02fight.html

I might have cried in class about it.  But maybe not…

Flock as Fight Team.  While this seemed a bit extreme in some ways, a handful of evangelical Calvinists came to mind–those I respect!–but those who keep insisting that Jesus was a “MAN” and that the Church doesn’t need PASSIVE men.

This is true.  Jesus was a man.  He was also God.  He was also the firstfruit of all who believe–including women.  And the Church doesn’t need passive (inactive, disobedient, uninvoled) men…or women.  And I know I’m not the first woman to admit she’s struggled with pursuing her own pleasure at the expense of others, or feeling relationally lazy.

While I’m still coming to terms with where the Spirit is leading me, I can’t stop asking these questions:

1) What tools for discipleship do hyped-up-masculine ministries and rhetorics offer?  It appears that the Church is responding to the negative effects of a phenomena like the feminization of the Church (not meaning “girly” but meaning it has way more women–this is GLOBALLY too), high rates of divorce and extra-marital affairs, gender-ambiguity issues among newer generations…

2) Why does Jesus become the ultimate MALE?  What versions of masculinity do we import to Jesus (that are extra-textual) that then make Jesus the guide to masculinity rather then the guide to discipleship?  How do masculinity and discipleship then get confused? What does it do to that masculine construction of Jesus to realize scripturally that His passivity on the cross (allowing others to kill Him) was the greatest moment of active love EVER?

3) If Jesus is construed as a the ultimate, hardcore dude as the defining characteristic of his humanity, how do I imitate Christ as a woman?  No really…how?

I think what is more important to the feminist theological (those who would eradicate gender distinction) and uber-masculine (those who would essentialize gender distinction) models of discipleship is this: Jesus took on gender.  He inhabited gender particularity by becoming male.  He had a penis (and might still depending on what you think about bodily resurrection). He lived under the customs and mores of his day prescribed for males.  But he also transformed them.  Jesus didn’t eradicate gender particularity.  He redeemed it.  I should go think about that for a while.

Bollywood Booty

It snowed in Durham on Friday night.  Which means, I couldn’t leave the apartment on Saturday.  I was scared to drive yesterday.  And today (Monday), my marriage counseling appointment was cancelled because I couldn’t drive over the ice around my parking place. Thankfully, the snow has begun to melt a bit.  And thankfully I had Bollywood Booty to keep me from becoming overly sedentary while I wrote a paper about Martin Luther.  Those of you who know me probably aren’t surprised that I own this.  Let me tell you what I love about it:

1) The instructor is very peppy.

2) She says “Be the Bollywood star that you are!”

3) and “Paint the world with love!”

4) You get to do fun moves like the elk mating call (aka hip flick)

5) It’s a pretty good workout too

6)Imagining the guys from TFA doing this instead of jillian is hilarious.

I think this should be a staple at many a girl’s night.

And yes, I am filing this under embodiment, because I am still trying to figure out how workout videos like this (which I actually truly enjoy) can somehow help me follow Jesus in my body.  Maybe it’s a stretch, but humor me.

Hymns that have been ringing in my head

My life flows on in endless song,
Above earth’s lamentations.
I hear the sweet and distant hymn,
That hails a new creation.
In every triumph, every trial,
I hear the music ringing.
It finds an echo in my soul,
How can I keep from singing?

Be still my soul, the Lord is on your side/Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain

Leave to your God to order and provide/In every change, He faithful will remain

Be still my soul, your best, your Heavenly Friend/Through thorny ways, leads to a joyful end

Be still my soul, your God doth undertake/To guide the future as He has the past

Your hope, your confidence let nothing shake/All now mysterious, shall be bright at last

Be still, my soul, the wind and waves still know/His voice who ruled them while He dwellt below.

Like a Lake

Today Kyle and I had our first meeting with the pastor for marriage counseling.  I’m so excited to begin this process! To truly prepare for marriage and not just a wedding.

But I am also pretty freaked out.  We have to fill out a pretty intense “inventory.”  Our pastor mentioned that we can either hide and blame like Adam and Eve or we can let Jesus draw us to honesty…and to Himself.

And when this Sara Groves song came on it seemed appropriate for my emotions and thoughts  now.

Like a Lake

so much hurt and preservation
like a tendril round my soul
so much painful information
no clear way on how to hold it

when everything in me is tightening
curling in around this ache
I will lay my heart wide open
like the surface of a lake
wide open like a lake

standing at this waters edge
looking in at God’s own heart
I’ve no idea where to begin
to swallow up the way things are

everything in me is drawing in
closing in around this pain
I will lay my heart wide open
like the surface of a lake
wide open like a lake

bring the wind and bring the thunder
bring the rain till I am tried
when it’s over bring me stillness
let my face reflect the sky
and all the grace and all the wonder
of a peace that I can’t fake
wide open like a lake

everything in me is tightening
curling in around this ache
I am fighting to stay open
I am fighting to stay open
open open oh wide open
open like a lake

Oxford, MD

“I’ve Been to the Mountaintop”

Since it’s MLK day, and I studied some civil rights rhetoric in undergrad, here’s my favorite.  It was delivered April 3, 1968, and he was assassinated the following day.

“We’ve got some difficult days ahead.  But it doesn’t matter with me now.  Because I’ve been to the mountaintop.  And I don’t mind.  Like anybody, I would like to live a long life.  Longevity has its place.  But I’m not concerned about that now.  I just want to do God’s will.  And He’s allowed me to go up to the mountain.  And I’ve looked over.  And I’ve seen the promised land.  I may not get there with you.  But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people, will get to the promised land.  And I’m happy, tonight.  I’m not worried about anything.  I’m not fearing any man.  Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord.”

To see, check out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o0FiCxZKuv8.

Patty Griffin’s “I’ve Been Up to the Mountain” should then be heard.

I think we still have a long way to go.  I have a long way to go, and I’m thankful for the people and community’s in my life pushing me there…

Spring 2010 Lineup

• Old Testament–prophets, poets, wisdom lit.–with Stephen B. Chapman
• New Testament with Douglas Campbell
• Church History–Reformation onward–with Sujin Pak
• Sex, Gender, and Discipleship with Amy Laura Hall–(so so so so excited)

Now all I need is some Black Eyed Peas, “Let’s get it started in heeeere…”

Good quotes from Douglas Van Steere and those he quotes

From The Abbe de Tourville:

“Do not keep acounts with our Lord . . . Go bankrupt! Let our Lord love you without justice! Say frankly, ‘He loves me because I do not deserve it; tha tis the wonderful thing about Him; and that is why I, in my turn, love Him as well as I can without worrying .  . . . I know no other way of loving God.  Therefore, burn your account books!” p. 6

“John Wesley once wrote, ‘Whether you like it or no, read and pray daily.  It is your life; there is no other way: else you will be a trifler all your days. . . . Do justice to your own soul; give it time and means to grow.  Do not starve yoruself any longer.” p. 16

On distractions in prayer: “The first counsel is to accept them as part of the scenery and not to fight angrily against them.” p. 29

“If my prayer is real, my surface self, my ego, my persona, must decrease and he must increase in me.  I dare not stay as I am and come near to such a love as his.  I could not bear it.  The many hucksters in me–the mean, demanding deceivers–are put to confusion by such a love.” p. 33

“If we dare to stay in this chamber–aware of our shortcomings in the Light of God’s loving presence–both the revelation of what must be put right and the strength to put it right are given to us.” p. 36

“Prayer is a threat to the continued enthronement of our egocentric goals.  There is a massive resistance in us to continued prayer.  That is why we stop praying, which is natural.  It is also why we must ever begin again and again which is supernatural, of God, and meant to be an instrument of our redemption.” p. 44

“There are few who will . . . accept the forgiveness of God.  . . . They are always reopening the vault where they have deposited their sin, and are forever asking to have it back in order to fondle it; reconstruct, query, or worry over it; wear it inwardly.” p. 46

“The privilege of petition is a part of the bounty given to those of the kingdom of God.” p. 52

Prayer makes us “refashioned in that living plexus of love through which [we] must pass to reach those for hom we truly pray.” p. 71

So, I’ve been chewing on these words a bit.  And rethinking a bit how I pray, why I pray, for what and whom I pray.  It has been so nourishing to me to read how prayer, “touching the stream of divine causality” (96), is meant to transform me, and actually will.

It has been a thorn of mine as a divinity student now to struggle with finding time to quiet my soul before the Lord.  Entering into prayer requires a consistent rejection of the notion that productivity, scholastic performance, and check marks are where true value reside. Reviewing Steere’s words before classes start tomorrow is good.

JULY 31!

I’m ready for school to start so I have something else to do on the computer…

wedding planning

So I am officially in the throws of wedding planning.  Aaahhh!!!  It’s fun and crazy and addicting and maddening.  I am amazed at how quickly 3 hours can go by looking at wedding photography blogs.  Or trying to find bridesmaid dresses.  Or florists.

As much as I want to remember what this magnificent day represents–the joining of Kyle and I in marriage, a reminder of the Church’s eternal destiny with Christ, a public declaration of vows and an invitation to the community to help us keep them–so often these things get obscured by the frenzied milieu of overpriced products advertising implicitly and explicitly that this is MY DAY.  And its frustrating, because honestly I need The Knot Handbook of Wedding Lists since I’ve never planned a wedding, but the fundamental assumption that this day is about me is a wooing temptation with every bridal magazine and web site.  Lord, may that be exactly the kind of thinking I avoid in planning a wedding!

Because this day (hopefully at the end of July!) is so much more than a day when I wear a pretty dress, or show off how much money I can spend on beef and fish rather than chicken and pasta, or pose for hundreds of pictures of ME.  It’s the first day of my MARRIAGE–the covenant and school for heaven that will far outlast the flowers and the food.

Helpful things:

Psalm 115:1 “Not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to your name give glory, for the sake of your steadfast love and your faithfulness!”

“Better than are promises is the day we got to keep them.”–Sara Groves, “Different Kinds of Happy”

A wedding sermon by Dietrich Bonhoeffer from Letters and Papers from Prison

This blog: A Practical Wedding

Father, keep me from the idol of self-glorification in the form of wedding planning obsession.  Help me remember that the beauty of clothes, flowers, pictures, and food are good only insofar as they point to the beauty of who YOU are.  May that be the beauty we celebrate in and revel in through the wonderful means of sight, sense, and touch you have given us.  Train our hearts to see and taste you in the beauty.  Fix our gaze on your beauty as we prepare not only for the moment of marriage on a day in late July, but a lifetime (woohoo!) of marriage that will follow.  In the name of Christ, our Bridegroom, Joy, and Strength, Amen.

Idols, grace, and exams

The last two weeks of school were quite the marathon.  Paper 1, Paper 2, group project, exam 1, exam 2.  In some ways, Duke is just a stress steamer.  Not only do I feel pressure to perform for my incredibly smart professors, but I want to perform well because all of a sudden I feel like this material “matters.”  I feel as though how well I do in church history reflects maybe more than a rhetoric paper.

Taking exams made me confront idols this semester in some new ways: caring what professors think, wanting to be better than other students, feeling like grades are a reflection of my love for God, wanting to control what other people think about me–and make sure its something like “Wow Emily, what theologically astute findings you have made.”

Oh sweet grace–that God the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ loves us while we are yet sinners.  I often find the Holy Spirit uses these anxieties–wrapped up in performance and the fear of man–to push me to a restful acceptance of reality, the reality that the Logos, the mind of God, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge, loved me and gave himself up for me.

As I studied how the Council of Chalcedon in the 5th century determined what it meant that Jesus was two-natures in one person without confusion, division, separation, or change, only the reality of that Incarnation was enough to tear down my idols and enable me to live rightly–even in exams.

The Council of Chalcedon